My bad y'all, my bad...

Typical reaction to a Starbonell-less week...

It's been a minute since we last danced, and it's time to come clean. Lots of shit has been going down personally and professionally over the last few weeks, so Star Fox hasn't been able to break you off a piece of that Kit Stat Bar on this grand ole' spot of ours.

Truth is, it's hard to tell when the next post will come from yours truly. However, in the meantime you can catch Starbonell on Yahoo! every week (on RotoExperts Game Review column "After further review") and starting week nine on SI.com (on RotoExperts Game Previews).

Until next time...

NFL Real Talk- Week Four Preview

You got that right

Alright, things have not started off proper for the Khampionship Kid. Not in this weekly spot (6-5-1 overall record) or in my leagues (where I am now 1-9). There's nothing left to say except that if I don't come back strong this week, I may have to think about retiring from life.

Let's (cautiously) go:

-Devin "the Dude" Hester is a must-start option against Detroit. The Lions pass defense is laughable and Jay Cutler is getting more and more comfortable in the Bears offense.

-Earl "Necklace" Bennett is getting a shout-out here too. He got plenty of sleeper love heading into fantasy drafts, but a slow start caused many fantasy owners to drop him (his Yahoo! ownership rate is sitting at 26%). He's coming off a four catch, 80-yard effort against the Seahawks and I like him as a flex play this week.

-I know my defensive suggestions have crapped out thus far, but I'm still rolling the dice with the Texans at home this week against the Raiders. Why? The Raiders have had under 200 yards of total offense in each of their last two games. I know Houston's rush defense blows and Darren McFadden could very well have a productive day, but I think when it's all said and done, they'll procure enough turnovers (and, hopefully, a score) to make them a great pick-up for Week Four.

-Hmm, talking about Darren McFadden gave me a brilliant idea. I should recommend McFadden as a strong start this week! That'll hedge my bets. Okay, roll with week as a flex option (I mean, the Texans rush defense is pretty wack overall).

-Carson Palmer has a cake match-up against the Cleveland Steamers, so even though he has looked shaky this season, he looks like a solid play if he's your backup to Kurt Warner or Matt Ryan (who are on bye weeks).

-Don't be afraid of starting John Carlson just because Seneca Wallace will probably be throwing to him. He mustered just three catches for 28 yards last week, but with Dwight Freeney out for the next two weeks, the pass rush of Indy will be virtually non-existent and Wallace will have the time necessary to make plenty of safety valve passes to Carlson.

-Kevin Walter is a certifiable no. 1 WR this week, thanks to Matt Schaub's groove and the fact that Nnamdi Asomugha will be covering Andre Johnson. The last time Johnson and Asomugha met, Johnson left Oakland with just two catches for 19 yards. I'm not recommending the benching of Johnson at all, I'm just saying you should expect Walter to take advantage of the attention being paid to Andre the (Fantasy) Giant.

-If you haven't hopped on the Mike Sims-Walker bandwagon, do so for at least this week. The Titans have been simply awful against the pass all season and he's looking like the No. 1 guy in Jacksonville.

-I went with my man Eli Manning last week, and I'm calling three TDs for Sunday's game against Kansas City.

-Ray Rice came through in Week Three like I knew he would, but he belongs on your bench for Week Four. The Pats rush defense has been mighty impressive this season, and the longest running TD they've allowed this season has been all of two yards. Since Willis McGahee is the goal-line back, you can bank on Rice being shut-out in the TD column.

-Miami has been great against the run, so there's no reason to believe in Marshawn Lynch having a big game in his 2009 debut, especially with the way Fred Jackson has looked this season.

So there you go. Got a good feeling about this one. Though that could just be gas. Wait....yeah it's gas.

NFL Real Talk- Week Three Recap

No comment Mark Sanchez, no comment

Let's get it:

PREDICTION: Expect Ray Rice to blow up in Week Three at home against the Browns. Cleveland is susceptible to giving up big plays against the run (Correll Buckhalter scored on a 45-yard run last week, while Adrian Peterson ripped off a 64-yarder in Week One) and Rice has serious home run ability. While Willis McGahee has been the more valuable fantasy back thus far in 2009, but I'm anticipating a big outing from New Rochelle's finest this week.

McGahee was the better fantasy back, but Rice still notched a TD and totaled 75 yards through the air and ground (four catches for all my PPR heads out here).  He may not have blown up, but he was definitely worth the start.   1-0.

PREDICTION: Matt Cassel really didn't look that great at home against Oakland last week, and now he's facing a much stronger defense on the road at Philly. As if that isn't enough reason to stay away, Kansas City coach Todd Haley had this to say about his big-money QB, "You've got to ultimately do what you think gives your team the best chance to win. If that means another quarterback being in there other than Matt Cassel, then sign me up." Yeah...bench this guy.

Fucking Matt Cassel.  He only mustered 90 passing yards, but his two scores erased any hope I had of hitting on this one.  1-1.

PREDICTION: Eli Manning has the stigma of being a good "reality" QB, but a mediocre fantasy signal-caller. Yet he's looked good enough in his first two games for me to endorse him this week against the Buccaneers. Start him.

He threw for only 161 yards, but the two scores make this a win for yours truly.  2-1.

PREDICTION: Quietly, Kellen Winslow is enjoying a great start to his season, and the good vibes should continue this week at home against the Giants. New York has given up a TD to tight ends in each of their first two games (both in the red zone). With so little offensive options in the passing game for Byron Leftwich, expect K2 to come through.

Shoulda known that anybody relying on Byron Leftwich to get them the ball would be a risky play.  2-2.

PREDICTION: I recommended the Redskins defense last week, and I'm sticking with them in Week Three on the road against the pathetic Lions. Since they are only 37% owned in Yahoo! leagues, they are likely just sitting there on your waiver wire, waiting for you to scoop them up. Make the move.

No picks.  No fumbles recovered.  No way I ever pick the Skins defense again this season.  2-3.

PREDICTION: Rarely will you see ole' Starbonell endorse a rookie QB, especially against a defense that has the perception of being a terrific one (Tennessee). But this week, I'm feeling it with Mark Sanchez at home against the Titans. Tennessee, who was ridiculously nasty against the pass last season, has given up 678 yards through the air in the first two weeks, while only allowing 99 rushing yards. Even though the Jets are a run-heavy team, the Titans rush defense will try to force Sanchez to beat them...and beat them he shall.

Even though he turned the ball over twice, he did score three times (once on the ground).  3-3.

PREDICTION: Just a hunch on this one, but T.J. Houshmandzadeh is due for a productive game. Yeah I know Matt Hasselbeck is looking like a lock to miss this week's game versus the Bears, but Seneca Wallace should prove competent enough to feed T.J. his first score as a Seahawk.

Housh' was actually targeted nine times on Sunday, but Wallace's inaccurate arm prevented the talented WR from doing shit.  3-4.

PREDICTION: Trent Edwards is a must-start at home against New Orleans. Why? If Kevin Kolb can rack up 391 yards on the Saints, Edwards and company can at least match that.

Damn Trent Edwards sucks.  3-5.

PREDICTION: Ronnie Brown hadn't registered a TD in five games before Monday night, and he should keep up his scoring ways against a vulnerable-against-the-run Chargers defense this week.

He did have 115 total yards and four catches, but he failed to score, so I really can't award myself a point.  This one's a tie.  3-5-1.

PREDICTION: Anthony Fasano makes a solid play this week at San Diego as well, seeing as how the Chargers have been hurt by tight ends this season.

Not even a single catch?  I know Chad Pennington was knocked out of the game (and season), but god fucking damn!  3-6-1.

PREDICTION: Hines Ward ain't what he used to be, but since he has a ridiculous eight TDs in his last eight games against the Bengals, I'm pretty comfortable throwing a recommendation behind him.

He did have four catches for 82 yards, but he failed to live up to my expectations.  Well call this one a tie.  3-6-2.

Well it was far better than last week's awful performance, but I made sure to watch four consecutive episodes of Lost as punishment.  Believe me, I've learned my lesson.  This will not continue...

NFL Real Talk: Week Three Preview

Ray Rice hasn't gotten off to the start many expected, but the New-Ro runner is ready to blow

Ray Rice's apparel provided by Sacred Stitch

No intro. No bullshit. Let's just jump into it:

-Expect Ray Rice to blow up in Week Three at home against the Browns.  Cleveland is susceptible to giving up big plays against the run (Correll Buckhalter scored on a 45-yard run last week, while Adrian Peterson ripped off a 64-yarder in Week One) and Rice has serious home run ability.  While Willis McGahee has been the more valuable fantasy back thus far in 2009, but I'm anticipating a big outing from New Rochelle's finest this week.

-Matt Cassel really didn't look that great at home against Oakland last week, and now he's facing a much stronger defense on the road at Philly.  As if that isn't enough reason to stay away, Kansas City coach Todd Haley had this to say about his big-money QB, "You've got to ultimately do what you think gives your team the best chance to win.  If that means another quarterback being in there other than Matt Cassel, then sign me up."  Yeah...bench this guy.

-Eli Manning has the stigma of being a good "reality" QB, but a mediocre fantasy signal-caller.  Yet he's looked good enough in his first two games for me to endorse him this week against the Buccaneers. Start him.

-Quietly, Kellen Winslow is enjoying a great start to his season, and the good vibes should continue this week at home against the Giants.  New York has given up a TD to tight ends in each of their first two games (both in the red zone).  With so little offensive options in the passing game for Byron Leftwich, expect K2 to come through.

-I recommended the Redskins defense last week, and I'm sticking with them in Week Three on the road against the pathetic Lions.  Since they are only 37% owned in Yahoo! leagues, they are likely just sitting there on your waiver wire, waiting for you to scoop them up.  Make the move.

-Rarely will you see ole' Starbonell endorse a rookie QB, especially against a defense that has the perception of being a terrific one (Tennessee).  But this week, I'm feeling it with Mark Sanchez at home against the Titans.  Tennessee, who was ridiculously nasty against the pass last season, has given up 678 yards through the air in the first two weeks, while only allowing 99 rushing yards.  Even though the Jets are a run-heavy team, the Titans rush defense will try to force Sanchez to beat them...and beat them he shall.

-Just a hunch on this one, but T.J. Houshmandzadeh is due for a productive game. Yeah I know Matt Hasselbeck is looking like a lock to miss this week's game versus the Bears, but Seneca Wallace should prove competent enough to feed T.J. his first score as a Seahawk. 

-Trent Edwards is a must-start at home against New Orleans.  Why?  If Kevin Kolb can rack up 391 yards on the Saints, Edwards and company can at least match that.

-Ronnie Brown hadn't registered a TD in five games before Monday night, and he should keep up his scoring ways against a vulnerable-against-the-run Chargers defense this week.

-Anthony Fasano makes a solid play this week at San Diego as well, seeing as how the Chargers have been hurt by tight ends this season.

-Hines Ward ain't what he used to be, but since he has a ridiculous eight TDs in his last eight games against the Bengals, I'm pretty comfortable throwing a recommendation behind him. 

So there you have it. A little shorter than what I normally put up, but you get the idea. 

We'll catch up after this week's games, where I will no doubt redeem myself after a sorry Week Two.

NFL Real Talk- Week Two Recap

Fucking Matt Schaub

Time to feast on some humble pie:

PREDICTION: You see the above picture? It's Matt Schaub getting sandwiched by the Tennessee Titans, an image that will constantly show up this Sunday (on the field, and in your mom's bedroom after the game). Yeah you drafted Schaub as a Top Ten QB, but consider the following:

1) Schaub is still dealing with the effects of a bum ankle.

2) Houston was 2-6 on the road last season.

3) Schaub has a career TD:INT ratio of 1:3 in his career against the Titans.

4) Oh, and the Titans defense (especially against the pass) is one of the best in football.

All of these factors make it painfully obvious that Schaub is not the guy you want starting on your fantasy roster. People often live by the "start your studs" mantra, but those same people are usually watching the fantasy playoffs from the bench. Sit this dude.

Four TDs and 357 yards later, Schaub fucks me (pause). Not only did this prediction make me look like a dick, but since I actually benched the guy in one league, which led to a deficit that would have easily been erased if I had started Schaub. The good news here is that myself and all his other fantasy owners might be in store for a monster season (Top Five is in play). The bad news is that I have more wack predictions to recap. 0-1.

PREDICTION: Expect a nice performance from old man Torry Holt this week, who managed just three catches for 47 yards last week. Why does your boy believe in the geriatric WR this week? Simple, peep the career numbers against the Cardinals (whom the Jags are taking on at home this week). In 14 games versus Arizona, Holt has scored nine times and has averaged 6.8 catches and 96.6 receiving yards per contest. Sign me up for that shit.

I signed up for it, and now many of you would probably like me to sign up for a stint in "I'm Never Reading Your Shit Again" rehab. Six catches for 65 yards isn't horrible by any means, but it didn't meet my expectations, so that's another loss. 0-2.

PREDICTION: Cleveland is an awful team, but they have some semblance of a defense (though not a very good one). Detroit on the other hand...well, when you give up 45 points in your opener (even against an offensive juggernaut like the Saints), it's quite obvious that you ain't doing much to stop the other team from moving the football. When the Vikes travel to the Motor City this Sunday, they will no doubt unleash a fearsome ass-whooping upon the Lions. Because Minny will put this one away early, expect to see plenty of Chester Taylor in the second half (and in the passing game overall). Consider him a nice source of stats as a flex starter this week.

If I ever recommend a back-up RB to you ever again, remind of this shitty, shitty prediction. 0-3.

PREDICTION: I like Dwayne Bowe, but anytime any WR goes up against elite CB Nnamdi Asomugha, you have to seriously consider benching him. Since the Chiefs offense is a giant question mark right now, Bowe is a must-sit candidate for Week Two.

Of course, Bowe nets a TD with five catches for 56 yards. What else would he have done? Sucked? Not this week. 0-4.

PREDICTION: Unlike Dwayne Bowe, I can't stand Braylon Edwards. After his one catch, 12 yard effort on Sunday, he clearly looks like a WR in-flux under the Mangini regime. Considering that he'll be smothered by Champ Bailey on Sunday, can you expect anything other than another horrendous effort? No, no you can't. All the Five Hour Energy in the world won't help Edwards in the stat column.

Six catches. 92 yards. This is getting ridiculous now. 0-5.

PREDICTION: All you Jay Cutler owners out there are probably shook as hell right now about this Bears offense potentially being a mess this season. Fear not. Cutler will be fine, and I believe this so much that I am urging all of you to deploy him this week despite his rough match-up against the Pittsburgh Steelers. Yeah Cutler tossed four picks in Week One, but he'll be home in Chicago this week and considering Pittsburgh will be without standout defensive beast Troy Polamalu, you can expect at least 250 yards and a pair of scores from the Bears QB. Hey, if scrub-ass Kerry Collins can toss 244 yards for a score against the Steelers in Pittsburgh, then Cutler should have no problem putting up the numbers I'm projecting.

He didn't exactly match the 250-yard mark (237), but dammit he scored the two TDs. I'm erasing the goose egg with this one. 1-5.

PREDICTION: I didn't come through for you last week with the recommendation of the Saints defense, but Count Money is here save your squad with the following defensive recommendation this week: the Washington Redskins. Despite losing last week's game against the Giants, the defense actually did a pretty good job overall. This week, instead of facing an elite NFL team, Washington welcomes the pathetic Rams into town. The 'Skins are only 22% owned in Yahoo! leagues, so chances are they are just sitting out there waiting to be scooped up. Do the smart thing and add them for this week.

They held the Rams to seven points, recovered a fumble, and recorded a sack. A solid defensive effort, but certainly not good enough to warrant mentioning in a fantasy sports column. 1-6.

PREDICTION: Sticking with the Rams-Redskins matchup, I'm expecting a good outing from Jason Campbell. I understand that he's a pretty average QB, but he's got enough weapons on offense to score a couple of times against the Rams at home.

Again, a solid effort (242 yards, 0 TD, 0 INT, 28 rushing yards), but while he didn't kill you statistically, he wasn't anything to write home about. 1-7.

PREDICTION: Since I'm anticipating a strong performance out of Campbell, it only makes sense to highlight Santana Moss as nice play this week as well. Moss is one of the more annoying players in fantasy to own because of his feast-or-famine stat lines (he had just two catches for six yards against the Giants in Week One), but this match-up at home is just screaming for a monster game.

Zero scores and three catches for 35 yards. Pile on! 1-8.

PREDICTION: Leon Washington is hands-down one of the most electric players in the NFL, and I fully expect him to tear up the Patriots this Sunday. The Pats are not suited to handle a dynamic talent like Washington, and if Rex Ryan knows what's what, he'll unleash his versatile back on New England this week. Also, keep this in mind: the last time Leon saw the Pats, he scored twice (once through the air, once on a return). Expect Washington to easily out-produce teammate Thomas Jones this week, en route to a stunning flex play performance.

Leon had 76 total yards through the air and ground, but that ain't getting it done. That means I end this week going an embarrassing 1-9.

As if that pitiful display wasn't enough. I left y'all with this after my feces forcecasts:

"I'll catch up with ya before Sunday's game if there are any note-worthy weather effects to keep an eye on, otherwise we'll talk about my 100% score for these picks after Week Two comes to a close."

Yeah it was close to 100% all right, 100% doo-doo.

Full disclosure: I'm 0-6 to start the season in all three of my fantasy leagues. 0 and fucking 6! Now to be fair to myself, my opponents combined to score over 300 points against me in one league (in which I finished with 120+ in both games). But in the other two leagues, I've lost by no more than 7.76 points in all four head-to-head match-ups (under 5.35 in three of these battles). I promised myself I would never use this forum to talk about my leagues, but I just thought I would share this with you in case you're sucking ass this season. Many people might be shook at the thought of being in my present predicament, but I'm loving it.

Well, "loving it" is certainly not the exact way to phrase it, but I'm looking forward to the challenge. I think God (or as I call him, Starbonell Jr.) put this obstacle in my path so that I can redeem myself in my leagues and in this weekly spot.

It's been a horrid beginning to my fantasy football season, but as my vanquished fantasy foes will tell you, I always start slow. In the end, Kid Cream always rises to the top.

Be there for history.